friday.

today is friday.
i'm reflecting back on thursday for a moment.
* my friend, one of the people i truly love, tried to take his life yesterday.
i pleaded and begged and cried and cursed and yelled and just tried to
make him stop. i didn't want him to go on with it, but if that's what he
truly felt would make him happy, who am i to stop him? i mean i'm so
glad that he didn't go on with it, but for him to live because i want him
to is not reason enough. he's got to want that with his everything. the
Lord didn't let him go, so obviously there is more planned for him.
i'm so relieved.

daddy isn't talking to me. i'm not sure what happened this time.
whatever went down, i'm sure i took the blame for it. i always take
the blame for it. if he cursed me out, hit me and called me out of
my name, i'd apologize and take the blame for it. i want love so badly,
i'm mistaking it for .. hell i don't know. i love that man, i know i do.
i know he must love me, he wouldn't say something that he doesn't mean.
but i think about the amount of time that dedicate to one another, the
efforts that we make to communicate, all the different aspects of our
relationship, and i'm tired. i'm tired of loving him so much, and not loving
myself as much as i love him. i'm tired of "baby, i'm sorry". i'm going to
stop being sorry for being myself. if he loves me, he'll love all of me and if
he can't do that, no matter how much it will hurt, i'll have to let him go.
i hope and pray that it doesn't come to that, but if it does, i'll just have to
be the strong person that i know i am. i hope he doesn't read this, but if he
does, baby... let's make everything okay again <3

i'm going to go now.
later bloggers.
-heartbroken.