thinking.

i'm just sitting here, thinking.
i miss my relationship. i love knowing that someone loves me, you know?
it's just a really good feeling. knowing that I make someone feel cared about
and that they care for me in return. pleasing someone by just being myself,
not worrying about if they are going to like me tomorrow... I miss the
pure security of knowing that loving him is enough. To me, love is enough to
cure anything. I love him more than I think I've loved anyone before. I
don't understand how my feelings for him are so pure and unaltered,
I wake up thinking about him, I go to sleep dreaming of him, I have him,
but I want him. He's a very big part of me. Truth be told he is my best friend.
Things haven't been going the way I want them to be going lately. I haven't
heard from him in two weeks. Two weeks without him is a long time, TWO DAYS
WITHOUT HIM IS A LONG TIME. I'm not sure what to do. The first few days,
I flooded him with calls and texts and things of that nature. The next days, I kinda
just tried to give him his space. I'm sitting here, alone, missing his voice and his
conversation. Craving his companionship, simply wanting recognition from him.
I love loving him. It gives me a sense of stability. Since we've been together,
even before we got together, I knew that he needs to be a part of my life,
I didn't expect for him to be such a huge part, but it is what it is. He's become a
part of my heart, and despite him not contacting me for these few days, my heart
doesn't comprehend that. My heart knows loving him, and how do I turn that function off?
I don't even want to have a day without loving him. Its what I do now. I know that may
sound all kinds of messed up, but that's just how I feel. I'm not sure what's going on in
his heart or mind. I'm not sure what he wants from me. Maybe he's trying to show me
that maybe we need a break or something. I wish he would tell me with his words, I
need words. I don't want to assume the end, if its still the beginning. I'm not ready for this to be over. Its not just a relationship, its a friendship too. How do I stop loving my best friend?
I just ... I don't know what to do but cry....

crying.

sometimes crying just feels good.
i'm not trying to cry, it just kinda pours out from my eyes.
i wrote him an email; i hope that he responds.
you know, love is hard sometimes.
its not fair to measure what you do to express your emotions
by compairing to what your mate does to express theirs.
took me awhile to figure that out.

well, i don't really have much more to say right now.
i think i'll go lay down a bit.
*takes a tissue.

later ya'll.

mun-dee.

well, im feeling all kinds of lonely.
i think i'm having withdrawals.
last call from him : tuesday.
last text from him: thursday.
and we aren't even fighting this time, lol.

i totally miss my boyfriend.
-sigh.

i was on facebook, which i am currently considering deleting,
because facebook destroys lives, lmao.

but like i don't talk about offline that much,
but r.i.p. to the friendship of me and my ex-best friend.
it was going a good five years strong.

i can't say i'm sure about what fucked it up, but i think it was
because of a guy, and not to offend any men, but you all
should never be the cause of losing a good friend; neither
should females. anyone who ends a friendship because
of someone else is a loser.

she just stopped returning my calls, texts, tags.
we had only one fight during our entire friendship.
she still hasn't told me the reason, but i do know this:

if she can move on without me, as if the friendship
didn't exist, please believe i'm not going to be mourning
the loss outside of this only blog. i love her, but i am
no one's bitch. i hope she might speak one day,
but i ain't holding my breath on it.

aye CARMINE, your girlfriend commented my bloggggg.
*shreeks with excitement. <3
lmao.

*composes my self. have a lovely day everyone.
sincerely,
braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandiiiiiiiiiiiii.

good merning.

No one reads my blog,
but I want to say good morning to everyone.
Aren't we all lucky to have awaken this morning, despite what may be troubling us.
Its a wonderful feeling knowing that you have another day, to start over and make things right.
Anyways,
I got a new phone yesterday.
An LG Rumor.
Its green, for the environment.
How cool is that?
I feel like a loser today, lol. smh.
I have these "friends" right, that I don't even know why they're still part of my life.
Honestly, I only understand a few people's purposes in my life.
I guess I won't truly understand anyone else until I understand myself.
I do know that it feels so good not being anyone's bitch.
Making my own decisions, maturing, figuring out who I am. I'm loving it.
I read some of you niggas blogs this morning, I'd like to point out a few things, lmao.

Shanell- I also save all texts & Voicemails, and to be more specific I listen to the voicemails, everyday. Is that bad? I'm not sure, but I enjoy it.

Jay- You have a very interesting blog. I'm glad you didn't eat the tomatoes and die, because I would've been really upset. I like to check up on you sometimes homie. Seems like you're doing things with your life and really being yourself, that's always a good thing. Lol @ the fragrance being called Arrogance, who'd thunk it?

Drey- Nigga, I don't know who "bae" is this time, but I still like reading your blog lol. You be having super moodswings.

Kimi, Ellie- Yall bitches need to blog. You're talking up blogger space for no apparent reason.

Carmine- Blah, I don't read your blog, I do read your girlfriends blog though, and I get mad as hell when you write it. I even roll my eyes, lol. Lizzy seems very sweet though. I'm glad you had a sweetie pie Carmine, with your mean pizza making self.

Davon- *Yawn. That's how I feel about your blog and your life, since you don't even IM me anymore. How about those apples?

I doubt any of you niggas will ever see this anyways. My link is on like two of the previously mentioned blogs, not including Kimi & Ellie's because their blogs suck. With all this being said,
you all have a lovely day, okay? Okay.

well, why not?

its friday night,
a little after nine.
i'm sitting here thinking about my crazy ass week
& my crazy ass life. I'm surprised my head hasn't blown off yet.
I'm gonna go back to hmm.. about 18 years ago, so you can understand.
My father, I call him father because he helped my mother make me, I would call him daddy, but I think that's an affectionate term that you use for someone after you've built a relationship that I just haven't quite built yet. My "father" has been going back and forth to prison ever since i was 2 years old. The first time he went, he didn't get out until I was 12, and I marked the date on my calendar, my friends and classmates knew the day he was coming out. So the day came, he got out, got a girlfriend, got to know her family, forgot about me, got back in his bad company and went right back to jail when I was 13. Then he gets back out off and on, I'm getting older now, So I'm not as excited. The only time since I've been older that I got excited was when he was there for graduation, simply because graduation is exciting for everyone. I was glad he was there, only for his ass to go back to jail again. Now he's out. Now I'm grown for real. I picked him up from the bus station, I let him in my grandmother's house, I took him to DHS. I've been his lil chaffeur *sp*. HE needs me now because my granny is in the nursing home and he can't lean on her for everything. SO finally he needs me. I don't want to be needed because I'm the only option available. That's the story of my pathetic ass life. Everyone thinks I need them for a certain reason. I'm a lot stronger than people think. So what I'm sensitive and quick to show my emotion? I'd rather be that way, then like half the niggas you didn't know could cry until they on they death bed telling you everything they regret. I don't feel that I need to have a "father-daughter" relationship with him. I'm not sure how possible that is. I have a very big heart, I have forgiven people for things you cannot imagine, so I know its in me and I do forgive him. But I don't understand or comprehend a lot of this. I don't know why everything should just be okay and we should become bff's just because he's finally trying. Fuck all that. Where was he my whole life? If you can help me figure that out, then maybe you can help me find the direction I really need to go. I have all this shit to think about: Father out of jail, me going to the e.r. yesterday, grandmother living in the nursing home, me being kicked out of school, financially struggling at home, haven't talked to my boyfriend in three days, and I'm just supposed to smile and be everyone else's shoulder because that's what they're used to? I need to lean on someone right now. I need to be here for myself...

happy birthday!

Yay,
its my baby's birthday.
I just wanted to take this time to say Happy Birthday Papi.
Sorry I have been such a "cayo". I hope you have a great day
and I hope you have many more birthdays to come. I love you,
and I'll talk to you later honey.
Besos,

Babygirl.

alone.

I haven't talked to Dave in a few days now, and I know, blah blah complaining about a few days, but its hard to be without the one you love. I really hope I don't sound or seem like a baby, or a crazy girlfriend or anything, being sad that its been a few days. Idk how to control my emotions, I'm working on it, but I still haven't mastered it. I know that he is busy or atleast he's always busy and he has many things to attend to and that is fine. I'm still going to be right here waiting for him when he finishes. But, I wish he would just let me know that he's okay. I really want to call and just say, baby, I konw that you are probably sick of my texts and shit, but I just had to hear for myself that you are okay. I just want to hear the sound of your voice and hear you breathe. Just to hear you breathe, that would be enough for me. If you got mad and cursed me out and hung up in my face for calling, just to get some response from you on the other end would be all that I need. But, that... that just seems as far away as the moon. Maybe you're trying to toughen me up, maybe you're trying to teach me a lesson, maybe you just need some time for youself; All of that is understandable. I'm a strong girl, with a weak heart... and I let my heart beat my brain a lot of times. I just miss my baby. . .