well, why not?

its friday night,
a little after nine.
i'm sitting here thinking about my crazy ass week
& my crazy ass life. I'm surprised my head hasn't blown off yet.
I'm gonna go back to hmm.. about 18 years ago, so you can understand.
My father, I call him father because he helped my mother make me, I would call him daddy, but I think that's an affectionate term that you use for someone after you've built a relationship that I just haven't quite built yet. My "father" has been going back and forth to prison ever since i was 2 years old. The first time he went, he didn't get out until I was 12, and I marked the date on my calendar, my friends and classmates knew the day he was coming out. So the day came, he got out, got a girlfriend, got to know her family, forgot about me, got back in his bad company and went right back to jail when I was 13. Then he gets back out off and on, I'm getting older now, So I'm not as excited. The only time since I've been older that I got excited was when he was there for graduation, simply because graduation is exciting for everyone. I was glad he was there, only for his ass to go back to jail again. Now he's out. Now I'm grown for real. I picked him up from the bus station, I let him in my grandmother's house, I took him to DHS. I've been his lil chaffeur *sp*. HE needs me now because my granny is in the nursing home and he can't lean on her for everything. SO finally he needs me. I don't want to be needed because I'm the only option available. That's the story of my pathetic ass life. Everyone thinks I need them for a certain reason. I'm a lot stronger than people think. So what I'm sensitive and quick to show my emotion? I'd rather be that way, then like half the niggas you didn't know could cry until they on they death bed telling you everything they regret. I don't feel that I need to have a "father-daughter" relationship with him. I'm not sure how possible that is. I have a very big heart, I have forgiven people for things you cannot imagine, so I know its in me and I do forgive him. But I don't understand or comprehend a lot of this. I don't know why everything should just be okay and we should become bff's just because he's finally trying. Fuck all that. Where was he my whole life? If you can help me figure that out, then maybe you can help me find the direction I really need to go. I have all this shit to think about: Father out of jail, me going to the e.r. yesterday, grandmother living in the nursing home, me being kicked out of school, financially struggling at home, haven't talked to my boyfriend in three days, and I'm just supposed to smile and be everyone else's shoulder because that's what they're used to? I need to lean on someone right now. I need to be here for myself...